Ahhh so I'm back in the United States. On the plane ride(s) over I must say I met my soulmate. It was an elderly man, probably 70 something, and he had an unplaceable accent. Oh how I love unplaceable accents! But that's not the best part. The part that makes him my soulmate was that he was EATING BUTTER. Straight from the container they bring you with your meal. He was just scooping it up and eating it the way I do. Oh what a sexy man. I must say the airline food on Lufthansa was amazing. Everyone was scraping at the last bits like it was liquid crack. But they fed us THREE MEALS all before it turned noon in Los Angeles. I know somehow a day passed and the time zones were all fucked up but really it seemed unnecessary to feed us three times and yalls know I never complain about excess food. First from Tel Aviv to Frankfurt they served us breakfast around 6:30 am. Then from Frankfurt to Los Angeles they served us lunch. They offered chicken or pasta, and I wisely chose the chicken. Everyone around me ordered chicken too so there wasn't even any food envy on my part which is what happens when I look over and crave everyone else's meal that is not mine no matter what it is. It could be fried pork shit with prawn penis topping and I would want it more than my own dish. Okay, so lunch. I thought that was the logical end to the feeding frenzy. But then about an hour before we land they come around with ANOTHER MEAL. "Maa'm,beef or pasta?" I thought for a minute. I hate these life-changing decisions. But then I realized the beef would probably be in the same sauce as the chicken from earlier and so I went with the pasta to variegate my palate. However everyone around me ordered the beef. I began to sweat. What if I made the wrong choice? My neighbor opened her aluminum covering and I could smell the beef. Yup, same vegetables, same sauce...but underneath the beef was...PASTA! I opened my own dish. Pesto AND red sauce. Mmmm. However I kept glancing all around me in a ferverish manner. I'm pretty sure my neighbor thought I was insane. I kept looking at the beef AND pasta, then back at my JUST PASTA. Why did the flight attendant German hottie never inform that I could either have one food item OR the best of BOTH worlds, beef AND pasta? So as good as my pasta was I just couldn't fully enjoy it due to massive food envy. I did eat my butter though, looking coyly over at my soulmate to see if he, too, felt our connection. He was kinda drunk from the free beer and passed out though. Hottie. However the stranger thing was that this was their fake attempt at convincing me that it was DINNERTIME. I looked outside. Light blue skies. Local time: 12 PM. This was ludicrous! It was NOT dinnertime. No amount of pulling down the window shades could trick me. Damn German sadists. After getting off the plane, dropping my luggage a million times, NOT being greeted by foreign family members eagerly awaiting my arrival, I finally reach my dad who was to give me a ride home. "Want to eat something?" he asked for the first time in a bajillion years. Since when did my broke ass dad offer me food?? I began to sweat. I had dreamed of all the foods I wanted to eat upon returning to the US. Roscoe's Chicken n Waffles. In n Out double doubles. Subway. Real sushi. Thai food. But I had just eaten DINNER!!! Before noon!!!! For the first time in perhaps my life I had to say no to more food. But at night I dreamt of steaks.People from my past and present were all trying to feed me more and more steaks. ON THE HOUSE. FOR FREE. But I couldn't eat all of them! It was a nightmare. Wow, I really need a therapist. But I'm now too broke to afford one. Welcome home, me!

So as many of you know I am a pretty good Jew. I currently live in Israel. I have (sometimes meaningless) sex on Shabbat (worth only one mitzvah if you use a condom!) Above it all, I don't eat pork or bottom feeders. And until the past few years I didn't even eat cheeseburgers! But recently I have contemplated trying shrimp. I don't know why, as I have never had shrimp in my whole life. But if I am going to marry an Asian man, and he is going to cook for me like the slave I need in my life, how could I possibly tell him not to make shrimp tempura, or hot n sour soup?? It just wouldn't be right. My sister loves shrimp ,and some of my most Jewiest Jew-friends eat it, so I thought I'd explore the possibility. If you know me at all you know I need to google things and research things a million times over before doing them. Then I need to talk about doing them for days on end, and usually I don't end up doing them anyways. Like the time I wanted to cut my hair like Katie Holmes' bob but then realized I have Jew hair, not Scientology hair. Anyways, so I googled the simple word, "shrimp". There were a few sites dedicated to why shrimp is a nutritious food, and some recipe sites. But about the third site down, there was one titled "G-d Hates Shrimp". It looked like a religious Christian site and cited all these verses from the Bible about unclean foods. Then it had a sign in front of a church that read, "Pinch the head, bite the tail, Go to hell". Now only a few days later did I find out that this was a parody on real born-again websites that bash gay people. But still, SCARY. Then today I was on myspace just stalking people as usual when I saw a sponsoring ad that read, "Can we eat shrimp and pork? Why did G-d make clean and unclean foods? Find out!" Except it was in all caps. SCARY. So for now, folks, I will not be marrying Asian, and will not be eating shrimp. YET. But after a few more obsessive-compulsive-search-engine-crazy nights, you never know what filth may end up in my mouth, and I'm not talking things that are circumcised.