I have truly been missing out on a well-rounded and complete life because I have not been a regular viewer of Wife Swap. I think I'm in love with this episode I'm watching. A woman from California who's an anal martial arts freak meets a slob family from New Jersey where the 12 year old daughter puts pseudo-porn pics of herself on the web. I don't think I could dream of a better scenario. Unless you're counting my dream where the pig-people were trying out for a play and my mom got cast in the leading role. In other news, I lost the Whopper Challenge! The challenge was to eat 5 Burger King Whoppers in an hour. Sound easy? I dare you to try it. I ate 3 1/2 in about 30 minutes and then physically could take no more and threw it all up. Today I have pains in my sides and most likely my sodium and cholesterol levels went up by a bajillion percent. Mmmmmm. The grossest part was the mayonaise. I hate mayonaise and it was oozing out of the sides of the buns, taunting me. I repeat, mmmmm. Anyways gotta go watch the swap of the wives. I must say, an even better show would be Dildo Swap. Maybe by the end both families could learn to love eachother and share one.

Have you ever walked into a place and felt like you just got time warped back to 1985? And I'm not talking about your momma's cunt. I'm talking about Shakey's Pizza. I hadn't been there in a billion years and I finally went back. It's supposed to be sports themed, I guess. They try. A picture of Kobe hangs on the wall and he has that tall hair and the background is of pastel triangles. But the craziest most time-warpy thing about Shakey's is their arcade. I put in a token to play that game where you shoot the hoop in the basket. Yeah, basketall, but the basket is only two feet tall. Except once the game started I realized that there were no balls to play with. Someone had jacked them. Probably in 1989 and nobody noticed. Anyways I have never felt so hopeless in my life. I'm standing there and the time is running out and I can't do anything about it. And I KNOW the time is running out because this red hourglass that looks like it was made out of Light Brites is flashing on the screen with graphics a mix between the shit that little kids draw on walls and Mario 1 for regular Nintendo. So finally this game ends and I see that a basketball the size of my fist is lodged on TOP of the game. I guess it got stuck there and nobody gave a shit so it just stayed there. So that made me more pissed. And to add insult to injury, five little tickets come out of the machine. I didn't even PLAY the game. How did I earn five tickets??? DAMN THESE PITY TICKETS. So I go up to see if I can redeem these pity tickets at the "prize booth". Do you know what scams they are pulling at these prize booths? I think they're a front for drug smuggling. They're selling one square of Now n Laters for 25 tickets. One square!!! Do you know what this means? Doe inflation not apply to the Shakey's prize booth/drug scam? Anyways, I couldn't buy ANYTHING. Cuz the cheapest thing was 6 tickets. And do you know what this item was for 6 whole tickets??? The free mints you get at a restaurant after dinner!!! And I couldn't even afford one! I don't even like them!!! But damn I wanted one!!! So Shakey's turned out a bit traumatic to me...just proved to me further that I'll always be broke. Even, apparently, when it comes to Shakey's prize tickets.

So it's only January 5th and I already have two tickets-one parking ticket and one driving ticket for-SURPRISE!-old tags. I got pulled over yesterday on the way to work, and I was so pissed cuz the car behind me, separating me from the cop, suddenly dodged out of the way and then I was stuck at a red light in front of the cop and then the cop got me. When I rolled down my window, I held out my freshly-received parking ticket for him to prove that I was AWARE THAT I NEED NEW TAGS.

"Sorry, but that's a parking ticket. That has nothing to do with the police. Your license and registration please?"

"WHAT?? Look, the reason I can't get new tags is because my registration is on hold because I have $600 worth in tickets already and I can't pay those either, so giving me a ticket will just screw me worse."

"License and registration please?"

"I'm going to throw it out the window once you give it to me. Or maybe just shove it under my car seat to show to other cops who will pull me over tommorow. I'm not going to be able to pay it, you see, so this will not fix my problem."

"Well, why can't you pay your tickets?"

"Because I'm a teacher. And we make shit pay. In fact, I'm going to be late for my shit pay teaching job in about 15 minutes and I'm 30 mintues away from work.And before I was a teacher, I was a student, and now I am in debt from being a student."

So of course the cop takes his fucking sweet time writing down my information, looking at my license with my old old old address on it (that's 3 addresses old), and at my obviously expired registration. Finally he comes back.

"You know, I used to be a teacher."

"Well, now you're a police officer and your pay starts at $50,000. I saw it on a billboard. That's, like, more than my shit pay."

Blank stare.

"There's no point to education because it just leaves you in debt and you can never get OUT OF IT!!!!"

"Umm, okay miss..."

I roll up my windows and start speeding. Can't get two tickets from the same cop immediately after the last, right? Knowing me, you can, and I will.

So far this year I have reached new heights in laziness. And it's only Jan. 2nd. Today I went to work and my only goal was to change the classroom calendar from December to January. The month of December fell in the trash can when I took it down so I think that was an early sign that this project was going to fail. Then I couldn't find the "16" to put in the pocket chart so I decided I might start the year by telling my students that the 16th is no longer a day and we are never to speak of it again in my classroom. Just for fun. And then I couldn't find the "Martin Luther King Jr. Day" to put in the pocket chart, and I MUST put up all holidays so that I will make it through the previous work week looking forward to something. So I just stopped, left the calendar half-finished, and drove home. You would think this new found laziness would annoy me but NO! I'm actually very very excited for what laziness might abound in the upcoming days and weeks. In earlier years of yore I would never leave tasks unfinished and leave to enjoy my day. But this is the dawn of a new era my friend. May many unfinished calendars and days of freedom come my way, and yours.